mercoledì 19 novembre 2014

Funniest work jokes

My boss texted me:
 “Send me one of your funny jokes.”
I replied: “I’m working at the moment, I will send you one later.”
He replied:
“That was fantastic, send me another one."


This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida..And they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

Name: Greg Bulmash

Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

Desired position: Company's President or Vice President.
But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky,
 I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

Desired salary: $185,000 a year. If that's not possible, make an offer and we

can haggle.
Education: Yes.

Hours available to work: Any.

Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

May we contact your current employer?: If I had one, would I be here?

Do you smoke?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

What would you like to be doing in five years?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy,dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Yes. Absolutely. 

Actual = real   Job application = written request for a job
    To hire = to employ
    Picky = fussy, someone who chooses only what he/she likes

    To haggle = to try to agree about the price of something, usually by arguing
    Wealthy = rich       Dumb = stupid

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

The interviewer: "And what starting salary are you looking for?" 

The engineer : "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The interviewer: "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer : "Wow! Are you kidding?"

 The interviewer : "Yeah, but you started it."
 Smart boss + smart employee = profit
 Smart boss + dumb employee = production
 Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
 Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

  Boss is like clouds....
  once clouds disappear...
 the day gets brighter.      

Boss : Are you on drugs?
Me: You and I both know that you don't pay me enough
to have a drug problem.


 The differences between bosses and employees

 When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. 

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy. 

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative. 

When I please my boss, I am toadying.
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating. 

When I do something good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

What Type's Your Salary?

1. Onion salary - You grab it, you open it, and you cry

2. Storm salary - You don't know when it's coming or going

3. PMS Salary - It comes once a month and lasts for 3-5 days."

4. Magic salary - You touch it and it disappears.

5. Agnostic salary - you doubt its existence.

6. Diet Salary - With every pay check, you eat less.

7. Condom Salary - It kills both the inspiration and the will.

8. Impotent salary - when you need it the most, it lets you down.

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

 The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.

" The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. 

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet witched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. 
They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

 "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

 "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

 "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

 Always let your boss have the first say.

The Differences Between Work and Prison

 In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have Managers.

 In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own bathroom.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. 

On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

The Parable Of The Oranges.

There was a young man who had ambitions to work for a company because it paid very well and was very prestigious. He prepared his résumé and had several interviews.

 Eventually, he was given an entry-level position. 
Then he turned his ambition to his next goal—a supervisor position that would afford him even greater prestige and more pay. 

So he completed the tasks he was given. He came in early some mornings and stayed late so the boss would see him putting in long hours.

After five years a supervisor position became available. But, to the young man’s great dismay, another employee, who had only worked for the company for six months, was given the promotion.

 The young man was very angry, and he went to his boss and demanded an explanation.

The wise boss said, “Before I answer your questions, would you do a favor for me?”

“Yes, sure,” said the employee.

“Would you go to the store and buy some oranges? My wife needs them.”

The young man agreed and went to the store. When he returned, the boss asked, “What kind of oranges did you buy?”

“I don’t know,” the young man answered. “You just said to buy oranges, and these are oranges. Here they are.”

“How much did they cost?” the boss asked.

“Well, I’m not sure,” was the reply. “You gave me $30. Here is your receipt, and here is your change.”

“Thank you,” said the boss. “Now, please have a seat and pay careful attention.”

Then the boss called in the employee who had received the promotion and asked him to do the same job. He readily agreed and went to the store.

When he returned, the boss asked, “What kind of oranges did you buy?”

“Well,” he replied, “the store had many varieties—there were navel oranges, Valencia oranges, blood oranges, tangerines, and many others, and I didn’t know which kind to buy. 

But I remembered you said your wife needed the oranges, so I called her. She said she was having a party and that she was going to make orange juice. 

So I asked the grocer which of all these oranges would make the best orange juice. He said the Valencia orange was full of very sweet juice, so that’s what I bought. 

I dropped them by your home on my way back to the office. Your wife was very pleased.”

“How much did they cost?” the boss asked.

“Well, that was another problem. I didn’t know how many to buy, so I once again called your wife and asked her how many guests she was expecting. She said 20.

 I asked the grocer how many oranges would be needed to make juice for 20 people, and it was a lot. 

So, I asked the grocer if he could give me a quantity discount, and he did! These oranges normally cost 75 cents each, but I paid only 50 cents. Here is your change and the receipt.”

The boss smiled and said, “Thank you; you may go.”

He looked over at the young man who had been watching. The young man stood up, slumped his shoulders and said, “I see what you mean,” as he walked dejectedly out of the office.

What was the difference between these two young men? They were both asked to buy oranges, and they did. 

You might say that one went the extra mile, or one was more efficient, or one paid more attention to detail. 

But the most important difference had to do with real intent rather than just going through the motions. The first young man was motivated by money, position, and prestige. 

The second young man was driven by an intense desire to please his employer and an inner commitment to be the best employee he could possibly be—and the outcome was obvious.

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